CFA

A happy update!  An actual update!  Had the phone call and we really got along well!  We're on the same page, it was easy talking to her, and she's someone I feel really good helping.  She actually wants to transfer two embryos, so the possibility of twins increases, but it was something I said I'd be okay doing.  But I'm getting a wee bit ahead of myself.

After the phone call I told J I was comfortable moving to the next step and waited to hear what my potential IM said.  There was a bit of a delay, and I was actually starting to get worried.  Finally heard back from J, and she said IM was confident this was a great match and so we were officially matched!  No meeting needed before making it official!  I'm sure we will meet soon, but I think given the fact that two previous surrogates have fallen through for her, IM wants to wait until I get approval from the clinic.

And speaking of that, I filled out pages and pages of paperwork this weekend for CFA (Columbia fertility associates) and will email them Monday.  I have a scheduled consult call on January 12th with a doctor there.  Seems so far away, but with Christmas, New Year's and Olivia's birthday party, I'm sure it'll come fast.

But I have IM's contact info so I am working up my nerve to make small talk while we wait for my consult.  I wish I was better at casual conversation!  Or any conversation. haha

Seriously though, I think this is the biggest update I've given so far!  Merry Christmas & happy New Year!

Moving on...

So my latest update is not one I’m too excited to post.  After months (and months) of waiting, I got the news that it wasn't going to work out with the IP’s I’d been potentially matched with.  

To sum up, in September they went through the process of retrieval and creating embryos, then PGD testing.  No embryos were good.  After some more waiting & contemplating, they decided to try another cycle for more embryos.  That took us through November.  So earlier this week, Tuesday the 9^th I think, I got a message that there was an update, and we needed to have a phone call.  I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be good news.  So I guess when I actually got the news that again, no embryos were normal, I wasn’t shocked.  Granted, my heart hurts for this couple, because there’s an issue with her eggs.  Since they don’t want to use an egg donor, this is the end of the line for them.  They do have a child already, so he will be their blessing during this difficult and emotional time.  As I was trying to process this news, I was also told there is another potential match for me.  This time a single woman unable to carry a child, but someone that wants to start a family.  Talk about mixed emotions!  I want to cry for the couple that I was supposed to be matched with, but at the same time I want to cheer at the possibility of moving forward so soon.  The difference between these two is that the single woman already has healthy embryos frozen and ready to become babies.  So once we officially match, things will move forward at a normal pace.  What’s more, this woman had a surrogate but that fell through due to her history and not being cleared for another pregnancy.  So here we both are, having the other side fall through.  I know she is more eager than I am, considering her future family rides on finding a suitable surrogate.

So what actually happens next?  A phone call.  It all starts with a phone call.  I had the option of that or an in person meet-up.  And as much as I dislike the phone, I’d rather start there.  Then after getting those first few nervous questions and comments out of the way, we can meet up.  Hopefully.  I’m not going to get ahead of myself.  First, we need phone chemistry.  So Monday night we’ll chat, and then go from there!  I’m feeling hopeful.  More hopeful than I have in months.  This could be it! 

I’ve waited five+ months with no movement, barely any communication from anyone.  I was a teeny bit hurt that the potential IP's didn't want to have any communication with me while they went through the process of egg retrieval and embryo testing.  But now I suppose it's a bit of a blessing.  Still, I do wish I could tell them how sorry I am for them and that I wish them the best.  And to give their son a big hug for me.  But I think they'll give him more than enough hugs for themselves.  :)

Hurry up and wait!

Well, I would LOVE to have a ton of updates because it has been over 3 months since I posted.  However, this is surrogacy we're talking about. haha.  Which means, not a whole lot has happened.  But a few things, so here's what you missed:

Had the phone call, it turned out to be just IM & me.  Wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be (granted there were some pauses but overall it was way better than I expected).  I got to hear more about her story, she got to know a bit about my perspective.  We talked about our thoughts on pregnancy, lifestyle, etc.  We agreed on nearly everything!  Only thing we didn't see eye to eye on was coffee.  If you know me, you know where I stand.  But hey I can give anything up for 9 months, so bring it!

So after our talk, we both gave J the thumbs up.  I thought our next step would be to meet.  But then I got the news that the IPs decided they would rather wait to get embryos that passed PGD testing before we move forward.  Disappointing that I couldn't stay in contact yet, but I understand their need to have their guard up.  They've already had plenty of heartache trying for a baby.  No sense in building a relationship and then have it end because they didn't have any embryos to go forward with the process.

So to back up a bit, if you don't know what PGD testing is, it stands for preimplantation genetic diagnosis testing. So in vitro fertilization is done, where an egg retrieval occurs and is fertilized, then after a few days the embryo divides into 8 cells and 1 or 2 are removed for testing.  If everything checks out okay, the embryo is either implanted or frozen.  In our case it would be frozen until we get to the point where we'd be ready for it.

The cycle was set for September.  I was told by the end of September, we'd have the results and there was no reason to think anything would be wrong.  So when I didn't hear anything by early October, I was a bit worried.  Apparently the internet decided to eat some emails, because I found out J had emailed me, and that no embryos were good.  Talk about a blow to the gut when I saw that!  Not just for me, definitely not for me.  I was so upset for my IPs.  I didn't know what was going to happen at this point.  A few days later I heard they were going to try again, but didn't know the timeline.  So more waiting.

Fast forward two weeks (which puts us to the end of October) and I found out IM was on Lupron (suppresses the hormone that causes LH surge, i.e. ovulation) and she was scheduled to go in for a check soon.  And that check was last Friday.  So, based on calendars that Mr. Google provided me, after a baseline assessment and a stimulation phase, a tentative egg retrieval would be set for about the 17th, best case scenario.  Add 5 days to grow the embryos out, and another 5-6 days to get results of the PGD testing, I'm looking at possible results (and healthy happy embryos) by Thanksgiving.  But realistically I'd be more likely to hear the first week of December.  That would be a pretty cool way to end the year, huh?  A visit with the IPs and plans to have my screenings done!

But that's all up in the air.  So in the meantime, I'll do some more waiting.  :)

And I'll try to update sooner than 3 months from now!

Moving on to IPs

Whoops!  I didn't come back to update!  So a brief recap.  Last I left you with was I had my appointment with the midwife.  Well, the day came and I headed to the office. I was more nervous than I've ever been!  In fact, when they took my blood pressure, it was 130/80!!  Okay, that doesn't sound horrible.  But my normal BP is 100/60.  So I was even more freaked thinking there's no way I'll be approved now!  Well, my midwife came in and we chatted about surrogacy.  About the risks of pregnancy, about her concerns with me postpartum, but she took the words out of my mouth when she said, "So do you think it was actually PPD or more like, 'wow I'm now responsible for this little person and I have no idea what I'm doing!' kind of overwhelmness?"  (Okay she didn't say overwhelmness, haha but you get the idea).  So yeah, that's exactly what it was.  So then she brought up Clomid and the risks, and if I'd been in my right mind I would have pointed out that I won't need that since we aren't using my eggs.  Shew!  So after a good long talk, she filled out the approval form!!!

So next step, J sent my profile to a potential couple, and they liked what they saw.  I looked at their profile, and they are exactly the type of people I was hoping to help.  To complete their family.  But I won't say much about them, for now, because we're still in the feeling-each other out stage.  In fact, we're going to schedule a phone call this week!!  EEK!  I am NO good on the phone, so I hope I don't say crazy stupid things!  I need a script.  lol  Hmm, maybe I should start writing one out.  :)

So that's all for now.  I know this is rushed, but it's late and my bed needs me.  Until the next update!

Still in limbo, but getting closer...

So I wanted to give an update, even though its not a mind-blowing one.  I’m still kind of in limbo, but I’m closer than before.  

So my medical records finally made it to the agency in late June.  I got an email from J the owner, and she said we should schedule a call.  So I made it for July 2^nd.  I was so nervous!!  I went down to the cafeteria for my lunch break and right on the dot, my phone started ringing.  I answered and sure enough, it was J.  So the first thing that came up was something I thought could be an issue.  After having Olivia, I went through a stage of not knowing what the hell to do and it freaked me out.  we struggled with breastfeeding (for two months), she cried for hours every evening, didn't sleep at night (okay does any newborn?), and I didn't feel like I had a maternal instinct.  I was put on zoloft and felt instantly better.  Seriously, it was miraculous.  Or it could have been the return to work (and a normal routine) that fixed me, which was around the same time.   Whatever the case, I was off it after about a month.

 But anyway, back to surrogacy.  It was recorded as PPD in my medical record, which always sends a red flag (hello, forever stigma).   But luckily I won't have to keep any babies with surrogacy, so there won't be any change to my schedule after delivery.  I can blissfully go back to my own chaos.  So after that was settled, we went over the process and talked more about the agency, and ended the call.  I felt relieved, but knew the waiting wasn’t over.  

Next step?  I only need approval from my midwife, and I go see her on Monday.  So less than a week.  I’m worried.  Why?  I don’t know, because that’s what I do.  I’m worried the second she walks in, she’s going to say “you can’t handle surrogacy, so I can’t approve you.”  No idea why she’d say that, considering immediately after Cassia came out, she said “You’re ready for a 9 pounder next!”  But I tend to focus on worst case scenarios, which would be her saying no way.  So I’ve been staying busy to try not to think about it.  I just signed up to be a Jamberry consultant!  Haha, totally outside my comfort zone but I love their wraps so why not.  It’s a challenge and gets my mind off negative thinking.

So I will be coming on here immediately after the appointment to update! Okay in all reality, I’ll try to post sometime next week.  At some point, this has to get less nerve wracking, right??  I feel like the kid waiting to be picked for the kickball team.  I was usually the last one picked...

Snags

So this is a post I didn't even contemplate writing.  I guess I thought once I decided to go for this, it would be a slow but steady process.  What I was not expecting was to get an email thanking me for my time, but that I didn't fit with their agency.  Apparently my views on early termination are so extreme (they really aren't) that it would take years to find me a match.  Thanks, but no thanks, they said.  I read the email and just felt shock.  Then outrage.  What kind of agency are they running that none of their clients believe in avoidance of early termination?  I was hurt by the rejection, and considered forgetting this whole process.

Then I decided to apply to another agency that had been a close second when considering where to apply.  And guess what?  They denied me too.  So at this point, I've spent an enormous amount of time filling out applications (they aren't quick) and received two slammed doors in my face.  Out of either desperation or frustration, I rushed through the application of a third agency that had been on the back burner.  Even quicker rejection!  So, this seemed like a sign for sure. And it still may be.  But.

A friend of mine who is also a hopeful surrogate told me about her agency.  A small one that has a more lenient view on termination and finding matches.  So, here I went again.  I emailed the owner and got the application, along with medical & record release forms, and a fee schedule.  I decided I'd fill out the application first.  Then waited for denial.

It didn't come.  In fact, she said everything looked good, and to get her the rest of the forms!  I wish I could say I felt relieved, but I'm still worried about what they'll say when they look at my medical records.  I don't know what they say, so I don't know if my midwife wrote that I was stark raving mad or who knows what.  So I'm still waiting for the email of rejection.  And if it comes, I think I'm done trying to find an agency.  It will be clear they won't accept me.  But I'm not giving up hope until that rejection comes.

So hopefully in the next 3 weeks I'll have an update. I pray for a happy update.  I want this to work out, so so much.  I pray for it daily.  So now I wait and see if what I'm praying for is what God has planned for me.

Testing 1..2...3...

Test post so that my sad little blog doesn't say "You have no posts" anymore!

Just submitted my twenty page application (describing every aspect of my life in detail) to the agency.  Now I wait for "3 business days" before the next thing happens. What that is, I have no idea!  I'm assuming they'll request more info, maybe medical info, maybe get some things signed, talk about the process.  I'll post when this next step happens!

Whew this is actually happening!  Well, potentially.  :)  I'm not exactly a half glass full person, am I?