Still in limbo, but getting closer...

So I wanted to give an update, even though its not a mind-blowing one.  I’m still kind of in limbo, but I’m closer than before.  

So my medical records finally made it to the agency in late June.  I got an email from J the owner, and she said we should schedule a call.  So I made it for July 2^nd.  I was so nervous!!  I went down to the cafeteria for my lunch break and right on the dot, my phone started ringing.  I answered and sure enough, it was J.  So the first thing that came up was something I thought could be an issue.  After having Olivia, I went through a stage of not knowing what the hell to do and it freaked me out.  we struggled with breastfeeding (for two months), she cried for hours every evening, didn't sleep at night (okay does any newborn?), and I didn't feel like I had a maternal instinct.  I was put on zoloft and felt instantly better.  Seriously, it was miraculous.  Or it could have been the return to work (and a normal routine) that fixed me, which was around the same time.   Whatever the case, I was off it after about a month.

 But anyway, back to surrogacy.  It was recorded as PPD in my medical record, which always sends a red flag (hello, forever stigma).   But luckily I won't have to keep any babies with surrogacy, so there won't be any change to my schedule after delivery.  I can blissfully go back to my own chaos.  So after that was settled, we went over the process and talked more about the agency, and ended the call.  I felt relieved, but knew the waiting wasn’t over.  

Next step?  I only need approval from my midwife, and I go see her on Monday.  So less than a week.  I’m worried.  Why?  I don’t know, because that’s what I do.  I’m worried the second she walks in, she’s going to say “you can’t handle surrogacy, so I can’t approve you.”  No idea why she’d say that, considering immediately after Cassia came out, she said “You’re ready for a 9 pounder next!”  But I tend to focus on worst case scenarios, which would be her saying no way.  So I’ve been staying busy to try not to think about it.  I just signed up to be a Jamberry consultant!  Haha, totally outside my comfort zone but I love their wraps so why not.  It’s a challenge and gets my mind off negative thinking.

So I will be coming on here immediately after the appointment to update! Okay in all reality, I’ll try to post sometime next week.  At some point, this has to get less nerve wracking, right??  I feel like the kid waiting to be picked for the kickball team.  I was usually the last one picked...