meds received

So I came home from work (and an awful day at that, complete with a commute that was triple in time) to a box of meds.  Well, technically the meds were inside the box.  But I was quite surprised by how light the box was, and how little the pills were!  My mock cycle meds have arrived, though I'm not ready to start them yet.  Still, it was exciting opening the box and reading the two page long warnings for each medication.  I've got estradiol (estrogen) and progesterone to fluff up my lining in preparation of the "transfer". I'll get instructions later on dosage and timing of the meds, plus appointments for lining checks and blood draws.

This process is so humbling.  I am in awe of the women who do this not by choice, but by necessity.  The pressure for success of each cycle must be paramount.  Not only is a great deal of funds riding on each cycle, each medication, each day of fertility treatments, but a life.  A potential part of their family is riding on the line.  I'm seeing this from a completely different point of view, but I will make it a point to really attempt to place myself in the shoes of the countless women for whom fertility does not come easily.  They may still be excited to see a box of medications on their porch, but for them it's more likely the excitement that their future son or daughter is within their reach.  For me, the excitement is in making that reach a little closer for someone, if I can.

D finally got his blood work done, and now in less than two days we'll make a trip down to DC for our psych screening.  I'll be sure to update when it's done!

Oh and here's a pic of the meds I'll be taking in the near future! haha hey I want to document the journey!

First test is in the bag!

Wow I went from having to really stretch for information to put in updates to having something worth writing about!  As my last blog post stated, I was scheduled to have a phone call with a doctor at CFA on the 12th.  And by the way, time didn't exactly zoom by.  I had plenty of things to keep me busy, but it was on my mind every day.  So I had the call and it was such a simple thing.  She asked me a few questions about my medical history, but most of it she had in my chart.  She then went over the process and what test I needed first, plus what to do next.  So basically, the first thing to get done was an HSG.  The technical term is a hysterosalingogram (or -ography, depending on the site you look up).  Basically it's a type of xray, a fluoroscopy, using a contrast material they shoot into the fallopian tubes to see if there's a blockage.  Women facing infertility have this done to look for possible causes.  For me, it was to make sure there wasn't a a blockage that could cause trouble for the surrogacy.  So the doctor said to get that done this month while I'm still on birth control.  Then when my current pill pack is done, to stop taking them so we can do a mock cycle.  That will be me getting all the meds of a real cycle, minus the actual transfer of embryos.  That's to see how I'll respond to the meds.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I got off the phone, and started poking around looking for a place to get an HSG test done.  Apparently nothing super local does it!  Or at least nothing I could find.  I made so many calls that day, I had to stay over at work because I used too much time doing it.  I did find a place in Columbia, but the first woman I talked to was a bear!  And I was certainly not my pleasant self either.  I felt like I'd been running in circles to find a place that did this test, and now this woman was telling me because I don't get a regular period, I needed a blood test from my OB's office proving I wasn't pregnant!  I told her, it's because I'm on lo loestren, one of the side effects is a light or non existent period.  I did question it but my midwife assured me it was normal.  So it's been like this for months.  Anyway, I wasn't having that so finally she put me on hold, came back and said fine if you want to consider your spotting a period, what's the exact day you spotted?  I said I don't know, why is that relevant?  She said this test has to be done 6-10 days after your period.  So I said look I'll have to call back, after I go home and try to figure it out.  But by the time I got home, they were closed.  I just used the 2nd day of my pill pack as the day because I think it was around there, and J at the surro place said that 6-10 day window doesn't apply if you are on the pill.  Someone needs to tell that lady that!  Thankfully someone different answered the next morning.  It took a while but she squeezed me in for the Friday, the 16th.

Sorry this is so long-winded! haha can't help going in depth since this is the first real step I've taken.  So I get there, and man did my nerves kick in.  I wasn't waiting long before I was brought back.  So there's a table, and a HUGE machine (where the pics would be taken) that slid over the bed.  I got prepped and laid on the table, talked to two very nice techs who thought it was awesome I was doing surrogacy.  They explained what would happen, sort of how it would feel, and the rare risks that could happen afterward (mainly infection).  The doctor came in (why did he have to be so dang good looking?), and inserted a catheter into my cervix.  Inflated a balloon to keep it in place, then injected contrast through the tubes.  The worst of it was that damn thing they insert for a pap, I hate that contraption!  I felt normal cramps, like day 1 of a real period.  No pinch, nothing worse than that.  It was so quick too!  Less than five minutes, a few x-rays, I rotated my hips to each side for different angles, and then he pulled everything back out.  The contrast was gross, but they warned me about it.  Oh and the best part? No blockage!  That would have hurt, and I have such empathy for women who have this test done and see (and feel) a blockage.  It's an amazing test though, being able to so quickly identify a problem.

So now that the HSG is done, next is my annual with blood work Monday.  And Derek has to get blood work done.  Then the psych screening.  Still waiting to hear about that being scheduled.  But wow, things are really moving!  Some moments I'm nervous, some I"m excited, some scared, some eager.  Depends on my mood and what I start thinking about.  Delivery?  Yeah, that's scary!  Helping create a family?  That's the awesome part.  Praying that all goes well, and that this is my path.  I feel that it is, but I am trying very hard to keep an open mind and heart so that I can roll with whatever comes my way in this adventure.

Looking forward to the next update!

Here's a picture of the place where I had the HSG done, just to make things a little more "real"

CFA

A happy update!  An actual update!  Had the phone call and we really got along well!  We're on the same page, it was easy talking to her, and she's someone I feel really good helping.  She actually wants to transfer two embryos, so the possibility of twins increases, but it was something I said I'd be okay doing.  But I'm getting a wee bit ahead of myself.

After the phone call I told J I was comfortable moving to the next step and waited to hear what my potential IM said.  There was a bit of a delay, and I was actually starting to get worried.  Finally heard back from J, and she said IM was confident this was a great match and so we were officially matched!  No meeting needed before making it official!  I'm sure we will meet soon, but I think given the fact that two previous surrogates have fallen through for her, IM wants to wait until I get approval from the clinic.

And speaking of that, I filled out pages and pages of paperwork this weekend for CFA (Columbia fertility associates) and will email them Monday.  I have a scheduled consult call on January 12th with a doctor there.  Seems so far away, but with Christmas, New Year's and Olivia's birthday party, I'm sure it'll come fast.

But I have IM's contact info so I am working up my nerve to make small talk while we wait for my consult.  I wish I was better at casual conversation!  Or any conversation. haha

Seriously though, I think this is the biggest update I've given so far!  Merry Christmas & happy New Year!

Moving on...

So my latest update is not one I’m too excited to post.  After months (and months) of waiting, I got the news that it wasn't going to work out with the IP’s I’d been potentially matched with.  

To sum up, in September they went through the process of retrieval and creating embryos, then PGD testing.  No embryos were good.  After some more waiting & contemplating, they decided to try another cycle for more embryos.  That took us through November.  So earlier this week, Tuesday the 9^th I think, I got a message that there was an update, and we needed to have a phone call.  I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be good news.  So I guess when I actually got the news that again, no embryos were normal, I wasn’t shocked.  Granted, my heart hurts for this couple, because there’s an issue with her eggs.  Since they don’t want to use an egg donor, this is the end of the line for them.  They do have a child already, so he will be their blessing during this difficult and emotional time.  As I was trying to process this news, I was also told there is another potential match for me.  This time a single woman unable to carry a child, but someone that wants to start a family.  Talk about mixed emotions!  I want to cry for the couple that I was supposed to be matched with, but at the same time I want to cheer at the possibility of moving forward so soon.  The difference between these two is that the single woman already has healthy embryos frozen and ready to become babies.  So once we officially match, things will move forward at a normal pace.  What’s more, this woman had a surrogate but that fell through due to her history and not being cleared for another pregnancy.  So here we both are, having the other side fall through.  I know she is more eager than I am, considering her future family rides on finding a suitable surrogate.

So what actually happens next?  A phone call.  It all starts with a phone call.  I had the option of that or an in person meet-up.  And as much as I dislike the phone, I’d rather start there.  Then after getting those first few nervous questions and comments out of the way, we can meet up.  Hopefully.  I’m not going to get ahead of myself.  First, we need phone chemistry.  So Monday night we’ll chat, and then go from there!  I’m feeling hopeful.  More hopeful than I have in months.  This could be it! 

I’ve waited five+ months with no movement, barely any communication from anyone.  I was a teeny bit hurt that the potential IP's didn't want to have any communication with me while they went through the process of egg retrieval and embryo testing.  But now I suppose it's a bit of a blessing.  Still, I do wish I could tell them how sorry I am for them and that I wish them the best.  And to give their son a big hug for me.  But I think they'll give him more than enough hugs for themselves.  :)

Hurry up and wait!

Well, I would LOVE to have a ton of updates because it has been over 3 months since I posted.  However, this is surrogacy we're talking about. haha.  Which means, not a whole lot has happened.  But a few things, so here's what you missed:

Had the phone call, it turned out to be just IM & me.  Wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be (granted there were some pauses but overall it was way better than I expected).  I got to hear more about her story, she got to know a bit about my perspective.  We talked about our thoughts on pregnancy, lifestyle, etc.  We agreed on nearly everything!  Only thing we didn't see eye to eye on was coffee.  If you know me, you know where I stand.  But hey I can give anything up for 9 months, so bring it!

So after our talk, we both gave J the thumbs up.  I thought our next step would be to meet.  But then I got the news that the IPs decided they would rather wait to get embryos that passed PGD testing before we move forward.  Disappointing that I couldn't stay in contact yet, but I understand their need to have their guard up.  They've already had plenty of heartache trying for a baby.  No sense in building a relationship and then have it end because they didn't have any embryos to go forward with the process.

So to back up a bit, if you don't know what PGD testing is, it stands for preimplantation genetic diagnosis testing. So in vitro fertilization is done, where an egg retrieval occurs and is fertilized, then after a few days the embryo divides into 8 cells and 1 or 2 are removed for testing.  If everything checks out okay, the embryo is either implanted or frozen.  In our case it would be frozen until we get to the point where we'd be ready for it.

The cycle was set for September.  I was told by the end of September, we'd have the results and there was no reason to think anything would be wrong.  So when I didn't hear anything by early October, I was a bit worried.  Apparently the internet decided to eat some emails, because I found out J had emailed me, and that no embryos were good.  Talk about a blow to the gut when I saw that!  Not just for me, definitely not for me.  I was so upset for my IPs.  I didn't know what was going to happen at this point.  A few days later I heard they were going to try again, but didn't know the timeline.  So more waiting.

Fast forward two weeks (which puts us to the end of October) and I found out IM was on Lupron (suppresses the hormone that causes LH surge, i.e. ovulation) and she was scheduled to go in for a check soon.  And that check was last Friday.  So, based on calendars that Mr. Google provided me, after a baseline assessment and a stimulation phase, a tentative egg retrieval would be set for about the 17th, best case scenario.  Add 5 days to grow the embryos out, and another 5-6 days to get results of the PGD testing, I'm looking at possible results (and healthy happy embryos) by Thanksgiving.  But realistically I'd be more likely to hear the first week of December.  That would be a pretty cool way to end the year, huh?  A visit with the IPs and plans to have my screenings done!

But that's all up in the air.  So in the meantime, I'll do some more waiting.  :)

And I'll try to update sooner than 3 months from now!

Moving on to IPs

Whoops!  I didn't come back to update!  So a brief recap.  Last I left you with was I had my appointment with the midwife.  Well, the day came and I headed to the office. I was more nervous than I've ever been!  In fact, when they took my blood pressure, it was 130/80!!  Okay, that doesn't sound horrible.  But my normal BP is 100/60.  So I was even more freaked thinking there's no way I'll be approved now!  Well, my midwife came in and we chatted about surrogacy.  About the risks of pregnancy, about her concerns with me postpartum, but she took the words out of my mouth when she said, "So do you think it was actually PPD or more like, 'wow I'm now responsible for this little person and I have no idea what I'm doing!' kind of overwhelmness?"  (Okay she didn't say overwhelmness, haha but you get the idea).  So yeah, that's exactly what it was.  So then she brought up Clomid and the risks, and if I'd been in my right mind I would have pointed out that I won't need that since we aren't using my eggs.  Shew!  So after a good long talk, she filled out the approval form!!!

So next step, J sent my profile to a potential couple, and they liked what they saw.  I looked at their profile, and they are exactly the type of people I was hoping to help.  To complete their family.  But I won't say much about them, for now, because we're still in the feeling-each other out stage.  In fact, we're going to schedule a phone call this week!!  EEK!  I am NO good on the phone, so I hope I don't say crazy stupid things!  I need a script.  lol  Hmm, maybe I should start writing one out.  :)

So that's all for now.  I know this is rushed, but it's late and my bed needs me.  Until the next update!

Still in limbo, but getting closer...

So I wanted to give an update, even though its not a mind-blowing one.  I’m still kind of in limbo, but I’m closer than before.  

So my medical records finally made it to the agency in late June.  I got an email from J the owner, and she said we should schedule a call.  So I made it for July 2^nd.  I was so nervous!!  I went down to the cafeteria for my lunch break and right on the dot, my phone started ringing.  I answered and sure enough, it was J.  So the first thing that came up was something I thought could be an issue.  After having Olivia, I went through a stage of not knowing what the hell to do and it freaked me out.  we struggled with breastfeeding (for two months), she cried for hours every evening, didn't sleep at night (okay does any newborn?), and I didn't feel like I had a maternal instinct.  I was put on zoloft and felt instantly better.  Seriously, it was miraculous.  Or it could have been the return to work (and a normal routine) that fixed me, which was around the same time.   Whatever the case, I was off it after about a month.

 But anyway, back to surrogacy.  It was recorded as PPD in my medical record, which always sends a red flag (hello, forever stigma).   But luckily I won't have to keep any babies with surrogacy, so there won't be any change to my schedule after delivery.  I can blissfully go back to my own chaos.  So after that was settled, we went over the process and talked more about the agency, and ended the call.  I felt relieved, but knew the waiting wasn’t over.  

Next step?  I only need approval from my midwife, and I go see her on Monday.  So less than a week.  I’m worried.  Why?  I don’t know, because that’s what I do.  I’m worried the second she walks in, she’s going to say “you can’t handle surrogacy, so I can’t approve you.”  No idea why she’d say that, considering immediately after Cassia came out, she said “You’re ready for a 9 pounder next!”  But I tend to focus on worst case scenarios, which would be her saying no way.  So I’ve been staying busy to try not to think about it.  I just signed up to be a Jamberry consultant!  Haha, totally outside my comfort zone but I love their wraps so why not.  It’s a challenge and gets my mind off negative thinking.

So I will be coming on here immediately after the appointment to update! Okay in all reality, I’ll try to post sometime next week.  At some point, this has to get less nerve wracking, right??  I feel like the kid waiting to be picked for the kickball team.  I was usually the last one picked...